&paulina*

&it’s probably been years*

I thought I’d at least give an idea of what’s been going on. Something, someone who is very important to my life right now.

But be prepared, I’m going to get all mushy & whatnot in just a second here.

It’s a half hour past midnight & I should be sleeping, getting enough to help me do well on my final, most important exam of my Medical Assisting program in the morning. But I just can’t close my eyes, no matter how tired I am. I’m full of energy & that’s not because I had finished the rest of my Dr. Pepper, which is a shame because I had gone almost 2 months without soda. Dang it. & it definitely wasn’t the venti caramel frap that Gregory bought me at Starbucks this morning.

Let’s start there. Or actually, last night. I had a lot to study, and since I figured Bug wasn’t texting me back, I would just say goodnight. It’s always now or never, because he doesn’t say good night before he falls asleep on me. So I’m always left hanging. Last night, however, I said good night before 9. Yet, I didn’t fall asleep until 1 in the morning.. He had replied subsequently with a “Night:(” & I didn’t even notice until he pointed it out today. I was so excited to go visit him this morning, which may or may not have caused me to go to bed at such a late hour. I still managed to wake up early enough to wake Sabrina up because she needed to be taken to school to prepare for her concert, which was earlier tonight.

After I dropped her off, I drove to Bug’s & tried to be quiet as I sneaked into his room. But he perked up and all I could see was his big green eyes peeking over the blanket covering his mouth. “Good morning sunshine!” I exclaimed. Yes, I sound like a story teller right now, I know. The first thing he says? “You look really pretty today,” as I sidle up beside him on the mattress. I thanked him, & he mentioned that my face looked really clear. I felt the opposite. I felt like I was continuously breaking out again. I lifted the blanket up & slid underneath, so I can fit perfectly beside him. We watched youtube videos for about an hour. I felt really gassy, & I didn’t know that was affecting my actions, because Bug kept asking what was wrong. I said nothing, which was a lie, but I didn’t want to tell him I wanted to rip a big one. Haha. So now you know what was wrong this morning.. He kept attacking me & wrapping his legs around mine or rested one leg upon my stomach. I love how he knows I secretly love when he’s like that when we cuddle. I felt very wanted this morning.

Greg called his name around 9, asking if he wanted to go to Starbucks. I yelled that I wanted to tag along, & so Gregory drove us to the shop while Bug took a shower. He smelled so bad. Old deo & his BO & his breath. Haha. I just talked with Greg, but when we arrived to the apartments, he returned to work & I sat on the couch eating cereal as Bug ate this weird burrito thing. He asked if I wanted to go to breakfast still, even though I had a big cup of coffee in my hand, & I said no. “Okay, you sure? Come sit next to papa.” Haha, he can be such a weirdo. (:< We were sitting on the couch, just holding hands & he was getting excited about the Navy talk again. I’m so happy & proud for him. He’s come so far & he’s just changed in so many good ways. He’s been working out 4 times a week, even after a tiring day of work & dealing with his needy girlfriend. Actually, when I walked through the threshold after Starbucks, I saw him walk out of the kitchen area, & I was just looking at how baggy his shirt looked, whereas it was tight on him a couple months back. “Paulina, we have a problem.” He starts unbuckling his belt & then shows me how loose his pants are. “I really don’t want to buy another couple pairs of $60 jeans!” Although he was annoyed at that fact, I couldn’t help but see him smiling over it. My boyfriend looks pretty sexy. He was telling Greg & I that Captain America will have a run for his money soon, because Zeik will start to look better than him. (; Uhh.. Huh.. <3 Wanna know something? When we were sitting there watching tv, I was going through my phone & that’s when he pointed out how sad he was when I said good night. “I wanted to talk to you because I missed you but you said good night and I didn’t want that.” Then he keeps on making me feel bad but happy, saying he saw me on Tumblr and he was so excited for me to go over this morning that he couldn’t fall asleep until 11 last night. I don’t know about you, but that was pretty freaking adorable. He’s rarely excited for me to go over & just hearing he missed me made me tingle.

Zeik suddenly stood up off the couch a little after, & it was ten in the morning by then. He said we were going somewhere car related, after I told him I needed to leave at 11 to make it to school on time. We drove to Smith’s to get gas & he got excited that I saved him 10 cents off a gallon. Haha. Most of that was because a couple weeks ago, he spent $70 on groceries, which helped us save on gasoline. We drove back to the apartment & I thought we were headed back inside. He parked his car angled oddly in front of the dumpster & tells me we’re cleaning out his Corolla. I piled up all the change, shook out all his coats, he dumped out all the unnecessary garbage & then he started walking away, throwing me his keys & telling me to park it back by mine. I was thrown off. When we went on our first unofficial date back in September, he said he’d teach me how to drive manual, but never did. I learned a couple times back when I was 15 but that’s another story.. Anyway, he walks back outside & I shake his keys at him. He tells me to get in the car & start it. One thing I like about him is that no matter how stupid or how many mistakes I make or want to give up, he’s patient & his frustration isn’t as bad as how others put it out to be. I killed the engine quite frequently. What’s hilarious is, he forgot how little I am. So he moved his seat closer to the wheel & when I leaned back, I was probably a couple inches away from the windshield. Haha. I told him to take a picture. He smiled & laughed, calling me a goober after he photographed me. Then he instructed me on what to do. I couldn’t fix myself to get out of the weird angle he positioned his car to be, so he drove it around the cul de sac so that I can drive forward about ten feet into the winning spot. My goal. I did pretty good.. He said I didn’t do that bad, but I did a lot better than this girl he tried teaching before me.. “Maddie.” For some reason, I didn’t like being compared to her, even though he made me sound more superior. I’ve been getting jealous a lot lately, & I have been good at not letting it get the best of me. For example, when we drove to Smith’s, I asked how often he talks to his old best friend Anna. He said it’s usually random & not often, but always on just random shit. Saying how she would always watch makeup tutorials & this morning, she texted him saying she was watching Skins & it reminded her of him. He told me that she texted him, thinking it’d be nice to inform me a girl was talking to him. I did appreciate him doing that though. I remember, when we first started talking, Zeik would tell me I could “be his Anna.” I think that bothered me a lot because I didn’t want to be anyone else for him but myself. As we were waiting for the light to turn green at the intersection before Smith’s, he asked if I was jealous, making baby voices & then I nodded yes. But then he used the excuse that it’s not fair for me to always talk about old friends that I miss but when he does that, it’s the worst thing ever. WELL. We know how some of that goes.. P: Then I mentioned something about the L word & he said he didn’t know what love was until he met me. “So love is farting on me?” “Yeah, you’re the only one I ever farted on. I’ve farted around girls but I’ve only farted on you!” How romantic. Haha.

That’s all from before school. I’m just going to skip my story during school. It was kind of lame, but fortunately easy-going other than review packets & boring movies.. My battery was on the verge of dying before school even ended & I couldn’t find the charger at my mom’s. So I was just sitting around the kitchen, until I decided to text Bug, since we’ve both been busy for the few hours.

I send him the photo he took of me earlier, saying that if we broke up, I approve of the girl in the picture. “She’s kind of weird & a goob but I think she’d make you happy. (; Just think about it.”

He: Haha. Idk. She’s pretty gooby.
Me: She’s wittle & really loud sometimes but she’s pretty great if I do say so myself.
He: That key is looking pretty sexy though.

Then he called me a few minutes later asking for help on a math problem. I really didn’t want to do more math than I already had today. But I like how he & Rob turn to me on it. Haha. Since my phone was dying, I was in the process of telling Zeik my phone might die but guess what it did? So I strained to remember his phone number & then dialed from the house. In the end, I couldn’t figure out what they wanted.. P: He said thanks anyway & then before I hung up he quickly said “I love you.” Oh, more butterflies. I was trying to finish my sandwich & I wondered who may be trying to get a hold of me while I was disconnected for a couple hours. Sabrina came home from school & as she sat down, Zeik was calling the house phone. I found it so cute how nice he sounds when he doesn’t know he’s talking to me. (;

Me: Hello?
He: Hello, is Paulina there?
Me: This is she.
He: Paulina? This is Zeik.
Me: I know, I have caller ID.
He: Oh, you do? Gay. Haha.
Me: Yeah, I knew it was you before I picked up.
He: So is your phone dead still?
Me: Yes, did you try texting me?
He: Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to go do our anni dinner a week early?
Me: How early?
He: Tonight.. I’m hungry & I’ve got monies!

Too bad I had to attend Sabrina’s concert & study. After the concert though, I drove over to his apartment as he was having body issues.. I finished up my packet & then before he started this movie, he started saying “It’s okay, I make it better.” He gave me a back massage. (: <3 It was short but I was doing homework so it’s okay. Around 9, I fell asleep on him for an hour, on & off.. I tend to move around a lot. Then when I’m half-awake, I tend to jolt a lot.. It’s weird. I thought I was falling off a cliff. His arm was resting on me & he was putting the blanket over me.. Twiddling his finger a bit on my hand. Gah. I love when he touches me ever so softly. It sounds creepy but I just enjoy it. It’s just.. Relaxing. I woke up & then he tells me “Tuesday will mark the longest I’ve been in a relationship.” I asked him what he meant because the statement had been so random. Just hearing how happy he was, thinking about how I may be the first serious relationship & the longest.. It made every little thing worth it. He’s made me feel worth it. I started running my fingers along his arm. I’m glad he doesn’t mind when I do things like that.. Tracing his jaw, playing with his hair.. Er, fiddling my fingers on his bald head.. Just enjoying his company. I love when he has something to tell me. But I absolutely love the fact that he tells me everything, even if I didn’t need to know.

This is a freaking long ass post. But it’s worth staying up late to write about. This is something making me feel so ooey gooey so romantic. & he’s been that unknowingly, all day.

Gah. That is all. (:

&what a wonderful day*

I woke up at 7:20 this morning, because I wanted to sleep in a little longer. Booting up my phone, I was brushing my teeth as I received a text from my cousin who I haven’t seen in a few months. We aren’t very close anymore, but when we were younger, we did a lot of things together, especially sleepovers. Since my younger sisters are going to help out my aunt bake for the party on Saturday, my cousin had asked if I wanted to have a sleep over at her mom’s since she’ll be staying the night as well. I’d love to, but I’m afraid I might be too tired and end up going to sleep early. Haha. First period was good; I don’t think I did amazing at the quiz we had, but afterward, Michaela and I went to the vending machines so I can get food. She bought me a poptart, even though I dislike poptarts. Then Jordan & I talked about our grades for last quarter, since our report cards were handed out to us, then we talked about colleges and what we might do after high school. I told him about me becoming a heart surgeon and he said he can’t trust me with his heart; physically, anyway. (: Then we joked around how if he had to go in for surgery, I would be the doctor who will say “I think I knew him in high school” & that I would puncture his aorta or whatever. Then Josh & I talked about him running for senior class historian. He’d be great at it. In volleyball, I actually did good today. Jake always tries to spike the ball on me, but I spiked it on him instead. At the beginning of class, Ryan decided to be the coach for the day since we had a sub. RJ comes in with his helmet on, saying he brought his bike! It looks way nice; red, shiny.. New & free. Haha. Before he left, he gave me a hug about three times, he said “Oh, Paulina asked me to morp!” I was so confused & I guess I gave him a confused dirty look, and asked him what? So he continued to repeat himself until he realized he was saying my name instead of Alexa, our friend. Alexa asked him to Morp, which is the sophomore girls’ dance. It’s pretty much the cheapest dance our school holds, besides Snowball? I haven’t been to either of those dances. Thank goodness. Before my 3rd period class, I saw Ryan who yelled my name & when I yelled his name back, he said that he was going to miss me while he will be in California for Madrigals/Choir. I mean, it will just be Friday where I won’t see him, but it means a lot that he will miss me supposedly. Ryan is so handsome and overall, awesome. If he didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d be making my move.. ;D My drawing class was fun, & math was funny. (: I came home, talked to my mom about what’s new in my life. Then I tagged along with her to go pick up my sisters from school because it “makes them feel special.” She only does this when she has the day off. But anyway, I was scarfing on some Panda Express leftovers, and she asks how Calvin & I are. I told her we’re eh.. Then she said we’re fading again. She’s so used to our ups and downs, it’s pretty pathetic. After that, I attempted explaining that we’re just friends, because of his issues and him wanting to be friends. That also, in the meantime, I’m waiting for him to grow up and be ready to be committed to me, and that we’re basically seeing other people right now. I mean, I care about him, but I told her that the feelings I have are slowly fading. & they are, which freaks me out slightly. But maybe it’s a good thing. My hopes aren’t up about him. People actually think RJ & I are together, just because we talk a lot and he comes to visit me often. I don’t think I like him that way though. He’s more of a really good friend; I can tell him anything. Rely on him. Trust him. But the vibe I have with him is nothing more than a brother. Anyway, my mom is understanding about all this, and I really need the support right now. She knows I will be careful and not get caught up in this again. Cos it’s just too much for me. To take one person’s crap for the longest time. To have them crawling back to me only to repeat the process. So yeah, that’s my day. It was eventful.

&before I go to bed*

My uncle stopped by my house at nine tonight with two girls. One is the girlfriend he’s kept a secret from my family for a while, but I found out he had a girl about a month ago. She’s really nice & sweet. I’m sure she will soften up to our family though. My dad said he was going to leave to drop things off at the new house, & then he paused. “Do you want to come see it..?” I confirmed yes, so the girls and I hopped into my dad’s car & we all led the way for my uncle to follow, to our second home, only ten minutes away. On the car ride there, we talked about what we will need to buy. My dad has already purchased $20k worth of furniture & appliances. We needed a fridge, dining table, washer&dryer, television for all rooms needed, couches.. Etc etc. Sigh. Then I asked what things we needed to drop off, & he said the plates my aunt Hui-Chong bought earlier today. I didn’t know that she knew. I asked my dad if he told everyone the news, for I only knew my grandparents & aunt Nancy know now. I guess my grandma Kim was bawling, & I know my aunt is sad about it because she was actually starting to cry when she had called me after school to ask if I was okay. Then my dad asked me for the second time today if I’m okay.

Honestly, yes, I am okay. I just told him it’s going to be difficult to adjust to changes & he replied that it’s going to be hard for everyone.

We arrive, & it was the first house on the left of the street we turned into. It was dark & of course the yard looks like a wreck because it’s been foreclosed when my dad purchased it. The garage is big enough for my car & my dad’s! Haha..

When we entered, the first thing my uncle does is sniff heavily & then shout “Smell that? That’s the smell of a brand new house!” It was cold inside & really empty. I quickly checked out all the rooms & then ran downstairs because my dad said I have first dibs on the rooms there. But I had a feeling when he later asked me which room I wanted, that he already knew which one I would pick. I picked the biggest one, farthest away from the two other bedrooms & bathroom. That way I don’t have to worry about being too loud. My new room is twice as big as the one in my current one. It has a two door closet, & it’s decently big. I just hate how it’s a hassle to open. My dad mentioned that he ordered me a queen size bed, and a dresser with a mirror, and a nightstand. It’s very different compared to the big chunk of desk, my daybed, & small nightstand I have now, in some ways. I’ll have closet space for once! No more keeping my clothes in baskets under my bed.. Well. In that house. The bathroom I will have to share with my uncle, & so I yelled at him to remember to leave the seat down when he’s done. He kept trying to get me to give up my room choice.

We have a lot of things to do. Clean. Slowly buy the essentials.. Then stuff to decorate our rooms & house. We need bed sheets, bathroom/house cleaners, towels, blankets, food, then focus on decorations. It’s weird thinking about it as my dad’s house & this one as my mom’s house now. But I will live. Life is just going to change a lot. Little by little..

&my life in a nutshell*

I need to catch up badly, & attempt at summarizing the past couple months. Or month & a half..

But after the double date on Madeleine’s birthday, Calvin & I got into a massive arguement because he confessed that he kissed another girl he had hung out with, and didn’t tell me until the day later. I would have been fine with him wanting to hang out with another girl, but it was also basically cheating, even though he & I weren’t together. Then a few days later, I talked to him & told him I deserve better and should move on. But then even after we had another fight with him being upset that I just didn’t “want him anymore,” I realized that I needed to move on but didn’t want to. So for a while after we talked things out, we decided to just try to be really good friends. That didn’t last long, because whenever I’d hang out at his house for a while after school sometimes, we’d take naps or cuddle or play video games. But most importantly, kiss. It was great, but we didn’t want the feeling of being “friends with benefits.” So we decided that we’ll be who we are, and have a sophisticated friendship in public. Then I left for Hawaii. Which was fun. Relaxing, but I missed him. I came back to school last Thursday, and I overreacted about him holding hands with a girl. I just missed him and expected him to miss me back. So we had another argument on Saturday. In the morning. I have many emotions throughout the past month. But then Saturday night.. My parents announced a divorce. So Calvin was the least of my worries. Maddy & RJ were the only ones who I told first. Then today I told a few of my friends. I didn’t want people to feel bad for me or form a pity party. But I really wanted to talk to Calvin. So even though I pretty much ignored looking at him all day, I texted him asking if I could come over. He didn’t seem too sure but he had practice & I said I’d drop him off when I was done talking to him.

On my way over to his house, I began crying. Walking up to his front door, too. I rang the doorbell, and he pulled the headphones out of his ear as he slowly opened the door. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I immediately started bawling & could barely mutter out the words that my parents were getting a divorce. He got me a cup of cold water, said he’d call his friends and say he was going to be late, and gave me a box of tissues. I cried onto him while also trying to avoid his hugs and comfort. I don’t know if that makes much sense. I mean, the divorce will leave everyone a bit happier but it’s so much stress and change on my life right now. It’s going to be a lot to adjust with in the next couple weeks. But anyway.

We talked. I can’t remember in order what we talked about, but he gave me whatever advice he could. Then he said he’d be there for me. He kept grabbing my hands or would keep his knees against mine but I would constantly pull away. I didn’t want him to touch me anymore. I mean, it was comforting but I didn’t want to be the smothering girl he told me I was on Saturday. Which led to him bringing up our conversation on Saturday. He told me I get upset over everything and that he felt he can’t do anything without me getting mad. That he only feels like he’s lost feelings for me when I’m “smothering.” But he likes that I care. He just has issues that we are both aware of. He was going on about how when he learned about marriage, he wanted to wait until he got married. At least 25 years old. But then he mentioned that up until last year, he thought about how he might go earlier. Because he loves me and cares about me a lot. Not like we’d jump the gun. But that he can imagine me in his future. However, he said how he wants to be a free man, travel the world, get to know more people but he doesn’t want to let me go. I was going on this ten minute speech thing about how I’m ready to be with him right now. This was after how he said he’s at the peak of being with me completely or just being friends for good with no romance at all. He said how envious he was of Rj’s relationship with me. How he and I can be buddies without anything being awkward. But I told him that it’s because I don’t have those feelings for RJ. That I have different feelings towards Calv because I’ve known him longer and know him more.. But anyway. The whole conversation was complicated. I gave him a choice. That if he wants to be friends, that’s what we’ll be. If he wants to be more, then that’s what we’ll be. But I’m not going to wait around. Then we talked about our friendship the past month, how it’s been nice to cuddle and kiss or whatever, but we can’t just stay like that. Then he was predicting what would have happened if I met an amazing guy and/or if he met a great girl, and we were in a relationship with that person. We both wouldn’t want to feel cheated or used. I don’t know if any of this makes sense. But I would rather not type up everything we talked about. Yknow?

What a shame. My personal diary and I’m getting lazy.

But his decision was made. We’ll be friends. Because he’s in love with the idea of friendship between us at the moment. I just hope he matures and is ready to put aside his issues of commitment and come back to me. I’m not going to wait forever, but I’ll wait. So in the meantime, I’ll deal with the divorce, and try to date around. I don’t exactly know how I feel about this situation quite yet. But I know that eventually he and I can officially be together without being on and off on just freaking dating. He felt that that is the only problem. Not knowing if we’re official or not. We both don’t want to be in between. Blah. Life has been hard for me lately. I’ll manage. Just trying to think on the bright side, even though the bright side is dim due to the clouds.

&neglecting*

I have been neglecting writing about what’s been going on the past.. Well. Six months, basically? But this is my most recent post. February 11, 2011.

So it was my best friend’s birthday. I was excited to see her and have her meet Calvin. He was nervous that she wouldn’t like him, but he was excited to go to the Jazz game like I was! I haven’t been on a date in such a long time. It was quite depresssing but great news that we were doing a double date. School was actually pretty great. I had a great discussion in philosophy about intrinsic human values and if meat eating is ethical. Then in history we did this puzzle game on WWII, and in language arts, I got full points on the research I did for the project. (: French was amusing, I guess I was missed tremendously. Anyway, Calv & I hung out again, just going to the store then he bought me Jamba. I’ve been driving him home the past couple days, which has used a lot of my car’s gasoline, so he was making it up to me with that. (: OH. By the way, since my throat has been sore the past, well, week.. I think I took advantage of yelling at the game last night & now I sound like a boy going through puberty. P: Okay so then we hung out at his house for a little while until I decided I had to go. I got cleaned up a bit, had dinner, and then was on my way to pick him up again. Almost out of my neighborhood, I realized I forgot the most important thing. Maddy’s birthday present. So I drive back and then rush to his house. Which was ten minutes away. When I got there, he had just gotten out of the shower so he was in a towel, making a mad dash back upstairs once he opened the door for me. Fifteen minutes later, he comes down apologizing. Then when we get loaded in the car, he tells me that his mom is just right next door with his Trax cash. I quickly drop him off and he tells me that he needs to return to his house to get the cash because his mom left her wallet there. P: I felt bad for being late to Maddy’s.. But I was driving extremely fast to make it there in time. Calv was telling me how he felt I was mad at him and then he told me about how some community college guy was on the phone with him for almost an hour, & whatever. We get to her house and I tackled Maddy with a hug. (: I saw Chace walk up behind her and then everyone got introduced. Madeleine opened her gift, and as her mom walked up the stairs, I gave her a big hug, and she saw Calvin. “Oh, you’re tall.” Haha. We leave, and I could tell everything was awkward when it came to conversation but it got better towards the end of the night. I heard a lot about Chace from people at school but he wasn’t anything like what people said. Which is good. We all just joked around waiting for the train to arrive, and when we boarded, an old, scraggly man with his bike hopped on as well. I was making funny faces at Maddy and she was just laughing. (: Uhm. When we got to the arena, we discovered our tickets were labeled with different sections. So we split and found our seats to see how far apart we may have to be. Turns out, that they were next to each other, just directly in between the two sections. Phew. The game was good, I guess. (: Haha. Our home team did well until the opposing team made a comeback the last period of the game. But during halftime, Madeleine & I went to the restroom. The first thing she says to me is that she approved. I was actually going to ask her how she felt about meeting Calv & stuff. Basically she didn’t expect him to be towering-tall, and that from the stories I told her, she expected a different personality from him. But the best part is just knowing she likes him, and he likes her back. More than a certain other friend. After the game, we boarded a very crowded train, but it was great. It literally brought everyone closer together. It was 11:40 by the time we were back at our station, and Maddy ran to her car to find her phone she misplaced. I called my dad & said that I was going to be later than midnight. We were in Midvale. Then we dropped Chace off, and Maddy drove us back to her house so I can get my car. We said our goodbyes and then I drove Calv back home. He was oddly quiet & I thought it was because he was tired. I didn’t know he was mad at me. We talked things out.. It was good, but then every now and then it became bad. I think it was the fact we were both tired and sick, but also we needed to talk about our situation. I felt bad because I was becoming that “I’ll only show you affection in private” person again. I mean, lately, I have to agree, we act like friends at school. But when we’re alone we’re caring towards each other and it just didn’t feel right. So we talked about that. I was late on coming home and I made a mistake by saying I was on my way when I wasn’t coming home yet. I got yelled at around 1:20 because I was basically two hours late? Even though I said I’d be a little after midnight. Oh well. I apologized for having them worry. I just forgot how to be responsible, & I don’t want to lose any more of their trust. Gah. When he & I talked, we opened up, shared small stories about what was relevant to our arguement, & there was something I said that caused him to cry.. I kept being stupid and saying the wrong things once things got better. We’re going slowly, but hoping to gradually improve. I don’t want us to be stuck in the same place, the same routine for months. & I know that he’s not going to wait so long for things to change. I just feel bad for making him go through what fits for me. It was a reality check, the conversation we had.

All in all, I made a new friend. My best friend & boy get along. I made a minor mistake, but it’ll pass with time. I have to stay focused and not get caught up in everything. Also, hearing that my best friend thinks he & I are cute together.. It completed my eventful night. Tada.

&video killed the radio star*

Holy crap. I have so much to update on.. P: I honestly don’t want to.

But let’s start off with a somewhat short version of Saturday, which was the homecoming dance.

I woke up early for some reason; I could not sleep in.. Even though I was exhausted from staying up late those two days beforehand. So it was Saturday. The day of the dance. I hurried and got ready, since Joey had Bryson tell me to be ready by 11:30. I made myself a sandwich and consumed it on the walk across the street. Kali was already there, and then we went to Ben’s house for breakfast. I wasn’t informed of this until we buckled up. Bryson was being so obnoxious, honestly. Yeah, he was being his goofball self, and even though he was a gentleman, opening the doors, he was still beating me up every now and then. When we arrived early to Ben’s, we sat at the table outside & waited for everyone else to show up. I’ve seen them all before, at school, but I had not been properly introduced. I’m glad I learned names quickly or else I would have messed up the entire day. There were 8 couples in our group. After we had a few laughs and waffles, we all raced to Thanksgiving Point to go to the Dinosaur Museum for our day activity. It was alright, I guess. It was pointless, though, since we paid about ten dollars, more or less, & we didn’t even visit every part of the museum. & the movie we saw afterward was so lame.. SeaRex, that’s what it was called. We all admit that we fell asleep during half of it, but no one knew beforehand, due to the 3D glasses covering our eyes. We quickly drove back to Joey’s, after we dropped Kali off at school to pick up her car. While I was getting dressed at home, I was having many issues. From my dress, to my makeup, to me smelling gross. & my freaking pimple that had not disappeared yet!

Uhm, so I texted Bryson asking when I should be over & he said 15 minutes, cos he wasn’t even changed yet.. But when I texted him again those 15 minutes afterward, the doorbell rang, and I could see his head bobbing through the window. Haha, I answered the door, & his little sister came running in. He looked adorable in his suit. It was really weird, to see him all nervous and shy.. Then I see his mom acting like a creeper on my sidewalk, taking pictures. Then came the corsage and boutonniere. That was my first attempt with a bouty. xD I had to put my own corsage on though, too! Hmm. Pictures were being taken, and then we walk out to the car, and Joey is acting like a fangirl, but he told me I looked beautiful (: He looked stunning. So handsome. ;D We drove all across the other side of town, which is where dinner was being served, and we were early for being late. Joey & Kali did their little booty/corsage thing, but it took about 15 minutes cos they were struggling. The flower bud actually came apart.. xD Dinner was served, people were laughing again.. Then pictures were being taken. We left around 7:30 to the school, and everyone looked so nice! Bryson & I got our individuals done, and then the group picture.. Which I think was lame. We pretended to get stuck in the time warp something.. & I think I look idiotic. We go into the gym, and start dancing. It was a slow song, so we began with that. I think the rest of the night made it clear that it was Bryson’s first dance ever.. He held the sides of my chest instead of waist, and then he was stepping all over me, he was spinning me around too fast.. I dunno, he was being immature without realizing it. He was also sweating so much; one reason would be due to him dancing to every song that played. My feet were sore by the end of the night. Oh, & he ditched me a few times, to go dance with his guy friend.. His friend even ditched his date! Which I feel bad about, because she’s a french foreign exchange student who I happen to have French class with this year.. I think he danced with his friend more than me. Joey had the same problem. Kali kept being dragged off by Lisa, so Joey and I were dancing with each other the majority of the time. Bryson, during a slow dance, he began taking his phone out and waved it above his head. Everyone around us was looking at us and laughing.. It was attention grabbing, but so embarrassing.. Tanner then yelled at Bryson to not do that. Then Bryson kept singing horribly into my ear. I felt so bad for telling him to be quieter, but gosh. He needs to just grow up.. I mean, I am so glad to hear he had an amazing time, but I would never go on a second date with him.. He’s not my ideal date.. For anything.

I finally got the BootScootin’Boogy down, though. First time that I’ve actually done it for 6 straight minutes.. Then Joey & I got down and dirty ;D Haha, we were making fun of this dance that the “Latinos in Action” group did for the school assembly. They honestly looked as if they were humping each other.. Uhm.. Then I saw Calvin during a slow dance, and it was obvious he saw me too. He was with Nicole. Gross.. & I tried so hard not to let it bother me so much. But I’m glad Kali, who dated Calv too, was there with me, along with Joey. Oh, we started a train that began with four, and ended with about 70 something people! It was awesome (: Then Joey & I just freaking danced our assets off ^^

I went to get myself a drink of water, and on my way back to the dance floor, Calvin was heading my direction, but when he was right beside me, going the opposite direction, he made a quick turn or something, as if I was taking up a lot of space. What the hell. After the dance, Kali & I were helping Joey clean up, and then we saw Jayden D, who wanted all the posters.. But he was standing right beside Calv & his date.. So Kali & I were like “we should go walk up to him and show off what he’s missing.” Oh, Kali, you’re so funny. So we were there for about five minutes talking to Jayden, & I could see Calv just looking at us, but trying not to. Then Corey called me over to give him a hug. I love being called on by my friends! It makes me feel oh so special.

Then after the dance, we went to Ben’s again to watch The Sandlot, but I had to sit next to Bryson because Joey yelled at him for not spending time with me almost the entire night. I mean, it’s fine, I wasn’t mad.. But that’s why I like my men to be at least a year older, yknow? xD I had to be home by midnight, so we all left. Then Bryson gave me a hug after I got out of the car, and said he had an amazing time. I said thanks, and that I had fun, also wishing him a good weekend.. Man.. It’s so weird.. So awkward..

So that’s my story. Then yesterday was the first time in three days that I’ve been home. We went to see a movie, a routine we do every weekend, and then we went to Winco to buy stuff for dinner. I got a bunch of Arizona for cheap :D Then I had to drive to Target after dinner to get some colored pencils.. But as I was checking out, I saw Calvin & his mother there. Then later that night, I discovered he was now in a relationship, which hurt me for some reason. Cos obviously, he’s been flirting around, while I haven’t done anything to get myself more acquainted with guys.. I’m a loner.. D: I dunno. I’ve had ups. I’ve had downs. That’s my life so far.

I felt pretty a couple days ago..

&we will worship toilets in 2013*

You know, when aliens come and observe our planet, which will only contain remnants of what we used to be.. After 2012. Haha, well, according to my US History teacher, that’s what will happen.

My day.. Oh, my day. Fifth period, or the first period on my B days, I discovered I need to study on the accuplacer website so I can pay 15 dollars on Thursday to test myself and try to qualify for math 1050. Apparently, I’m supposed to be in math 1010. Other than that, I had no homework, and I discovered that Mitch and I are best enemies again! ;D Haha, we have the same colored shoes, yet, different brands. Our second periods are right next to each other, therefore we walked together. He showed me his awesome tattoo that he received for his birthday about a month ago, and I’m jealous. I honestly want a tattoo now that he’s told me how it felt to him. I have always wanted a literary tattoo. Just a quote. Or something like that.. I took a pre-test in US History. I failed instantly. Then my head began migraining during language arts.. My teacher doesn’t make any sense.. & he picked on me to talk about why we should read literature. He continued harassing me with questions that were useless, since my answer explained everything I said. Then I had lunch with Bryson.. Walked around.. Ran into Aaron, /his/ friend.. Talked to him.

Oh? & I was tardy to class even though I was intentionally early.. I just walked into the wrong hall. Ugh. Then french was sort of fun, besides the fact that I forgot my bag that was supposed to contain five objects that describe my likes. Today was just not my day.

THENNN. I walked towards my bus. I see Aaron, wave to him, then a second later, /he/ is walking towards Aaron. He obviously saw me too. But whatever. I get on the bus. Then Elisa is just looking at me like “WHAAAAAT?” I didn’t know what her face expression was supposed to ask? Then she’s looking back and forth between this girl towards the back of the bus and me. I finally look back at the girl, & there she is, having a conversation with /him/ through the window. He obviously saw me sitting only a few seats in front of her. Elisa is freaking out in her seat asking what the heck was going on. Then he gives the girl a high five, and looks in my direction, but I only noticed in my peripheral vision. Thank goodness. The bus begins moving, and she asked for an explaination. I just told her that I don’t associate with him anymore since there was some drama.. But I also told her I miss him even though I shouldn’t, and I love him even though I don’t want to have those feelings anymore. It’s quite difficult.. To just “let go.” Grr. I can’t wait until this school year is over. Until I graduate. I wouldn’t have to worry about things like this as much, cos I won’t see certain people anymore..

&P90X*

So.. My uncle & I were talking last night about whether or not I should get a gym membership as a birthday present from my parents. Plus side, I would be able to exercise more, get into more shape during the school year, in my free time. Down-side.. If I get too overwhelmed with homework and whatnot, I won’t have time to go to the gym, and it’d be a waste of 300$ I could have used on something else. But one thing that bothered me the most is that my dad didn’t exactly have confidence in me, as if I wouldn’t be able to keep up the schoolwork and exercise, social life, and family time. I think this is why I never tried out for extra curricular things. No one really supports me. Except my uncle.

He began telling me about the home fitness workout plan. 90 days, or three months of a planned nutrition plan and hardcore workouts 6 days a week. I get one rest day. My diet will consist of five meals a day. & it’s very specific on when and what I eat. I really wanted to do it, and he even warned me a few times that I must be committed to it. I am. Hopefully he noticed how serious I looked when I said I was willing to give it a try. Cos I’m determined to become more in shape and I want to look good this year. Better. Surprising me, he said he wanted to do the P90X with me. Cos I’ll need as much support and encouragement I can. & he wants to get back in shape.

At the end of the night, before he said his goodbye, he mentioned that I look really good. Slimmer. Toned. That was the highlight of my day. My week. Maybe my month.

P90X: Bring. It. On.

&oh this is called my*

Thought bomb. I’ve realized I haven’t written anything meaningful lately. I’ve just been exhausted and uninspired lately. Tired&uninspired.. But I’ve decided that right now is the perfect moment to just write, write, write.

School pictures is tomorrow. I recieve my schedule as well. Tonight, I’m probably going to sleep over at Alyssa’s, but I forgot to ask my parents, so it might not even happen. If my mom weren’t leaving for California tomorrow, I would be hanging out with my cousin Lien. She invited me to see Step Up 3D with her & possibly other people, but I may have to cancel, since daddy won’t be home from work until late, meaning I have to babysit until then.. Jeff called me a couple days ago. It was weird. Cos no one from school other than a couple friends, have contacted me to invite me to places. Jeff, out of all people, randomly dialed me up and then invited me to go see him play football next Friday to kick off the football games or something? Haha. He’s such a nice guy; always texting me every few weeks to ask how I am. I get really excited when people do spontaneous things for me. It is just so rare..

I also know that I have been discussing my hair a lot the past few days, but I’m just so frustrated. I’m literally afraid to start up the grill now. I mean, what if it was worse? What if I lost all my hair? What if my skin actually got burnt too? I’m just really disappointed with the fact that my hair grew about 3 inches or so this summer. & half of my hard work and dedication is gone. Haha.. P:
Also, a couple days ago, I was looking through old photos on my computer. I’ve probably deleted a thousand, no joke, that were just pointless & meaningless. I found an album of just me.. I’m not conceited, I promise. xD But there was a photo that dated back four years ago. & there were others that went on from there. I’ve changed so much. My hairstyles were very different, haha. I began wearing makeup, too. (: Which made me look a little better. Cos I was an ugly, awkward pre-teen. Lmao.. I was literally a tomboy. Then I discovered pictures from last year. My hair was extremely long, and I was fit. I remember working out every day. Eating less portions, drinking more water, etc etc. I miss how I looked last summer, cos honestly, I looked good. The best I ever had been in a long time. I just wish I could have kept it up. Cos then I wouldn’t be killing myself every day this summer just to get last year’s body back. Everything has just changed so much. For the better, and for the worst.

If I were to compare myself right now to who I used to be.. I would say I’m more experienced. With love, with friends, with family. I just sort of know what to expect. I’ve lost many friends, due to my decision of going to a school 90% of my friends weren’t attending. Before sophomore year, I was prepared for high school. Extremely excited, anticipating the future. I was going to miss my friends dearly, but I new that they’d still be there for me whenever I needed them. Or, that’s what I tried convincing myself to think, anyway. In middle school, I was friendly. I was confident in most of the things I did, I was focused on school. I still had fun wherever I went. I wasn’t afraid to express myself, and be weird in front of people. It just came naturally. But then sophomore year began, after a short, boring, non-eventful summer. Yet, that’s when everything I was ready for.. Collapsed before my eyes. It brings tears to my eyes, even at this moment, just thinking about all the events that I wish never happened this past school year. I had my morals, and values. But I became vulnerable. I was uncertain of things. What I witnessed, what I heard. It’s as if reality finally hit me. High school isn’t like how the movies depict it. How Disney channel shows make it seem like you’ll have a happy ending to every situation.

To this day, I’m still drug-free, alcohol-free, abstinent. & I’m proud of it. But there have been times that I almost didn’t stay that way. I’m glad I’m stubborn when I want to be, or else my life would have been flushed. So, school began. There were really cute boys that I had my eye on. But those small crushes became disgust. I found out that some were sexually active, smokers, &/or drinkers. & I’m just not attracted to people 2/3rds of those things. First of all, I’m holding on to my virginity for a while, and you can poke fun at me for that, but I don’t care. Smokers & drinkers.. I just can’t stand. Why would I want to bring home a druggie or alcoholic to my parents. But anyway, that’s going off into another topic. I didn’t care too much for the guys at my school. But I shouldn’t have cared for a guy I barely knew. I’ve come to realize that when a boy liked me, I got so excited of the fact that someone other than my family and friends liked me enough to want to be with me.. That I didn’t realize they just wanted something from me towards the end. The only regret I have is allowing someone I barely knew to take advantage of me. To make me give up my values even the slightest. I guess you can call him the “E” word. Most would understand what I’m talking about.. But he lied to me. He manipulated my feelings. I would cry so much. Why would you lie about something so serious? Your dad beats you, your mom is having a so called affair. You have this moment where your brain “shuts down.” So you’re basically “brain dead.” What the hell. In the end, I came to terms that I was more of a caretaker than a girlfriend. He did use me for his happiness. & that’s when I felt that all my hope and trust in people began dying. He lost my respect, & my parents’ as well. He literally disgusts me to this day, and he keeps trying to come back into my life. But I told him that if he really loved me as much as he said, he would respect my wishes to never communicate with me in any way for good. He ignored that, and continues to lose more respect each time he tries to add me on facebook, or message me. He’s been harrassing me for a while, and I’m sick of it. That’s one setback I wasn’t prepared for.
Another thing that has changed since the beginning of sophomore year would be that I have began thinking I’m becoming.. Stupid. I’m lacking creativity, I just can’t focus and think as much anymore. In math, I received my first C. It wasn’t caused from me not doing any work. It was the teacher, honestly. She wasn’t very specific, and she was moody every day. When she was having a bad day, she took it out on her students. I had her the last period of every “A” day, and if she wasn’t in the mood to teach, she’d make us read the textbook to teach ourselves the assignment. I didn’t learn much. Therefore, I decided not to advance onto calculus. It would have been too stressful, more than it was being a sophomore in an honors class.. All my other classes, though? I did amazing in each and every one of them. Throughout the entire year. I received A’s every quarter. Except pre-calculus. Which made me very disappointed in myself.

Friends. I lost some of my old friends, due to the distance of our schools, and lack of communication. But I gained so many new friends as well, a benefit from beginning high school. I’ve met so many people I can confide to. Though most are just acquaintances, I’ve befriended a lot of different people. I know so many people, but I can only trust a few.. I started high school only, I guess you can say upgrading with a few people from middle school. My middle school isn’t very known. So while I was making brand new friends, getting to know my classmates for the very first time, everyone else already knew each other. That was a disadvantage. Cos then that would mean I had to try harder to show I wasn’t a freak. Haha. I managed to show everyone who I really was by being myself. & I’m surprised people like me. Cos I think I’m very weird(x My fellow classmates will be there to go through the challenges high school throws at you, and I’m the type of person who just flows all around. I can be friends with anyone, I’ve noticed. I have so many different types of friends.. & although it’s great to meet new people, socializing and such.. One of the closest persons to me wasn’t even there for me most of the time. I only existed when she needed something, someone, to cry or vent to. I was literally the person to wipe up her tears. I’m very glad I didn’t need to depend on her for anything serious. Cos I know all she would say is “I’m sorry” then hug me. That’s about it. I was very independent. I could take care of myself most of the time. I dealt with my family issues, social life, and school at the same time. Just like everyone else in the world, I have my own story. I have my own battles. I win, I lose. Just as I was winning some friends, I was losing the one that I thought I could depend on.
I’m happy for her that there are guys that are in like with her, that love her; it’s infatuation, though. They don’t really know her. Not like I do. & I could say so much about her personality. What makes me laugh in both good and bad ways. But let’s just say that she put her current crush, flirtee, boyfriend.. Before me. I was always there for her to cry on when she had problems, a breakup or whatnot. I was always there.. & I was warning her, telling her not to do things she’d regret. She says there’s never anything to regret. But she made so many mistakes this school year.. By the end of the year, she lost a tremendous amount of respect from me. It was fading away as the days and months passed. I mean, I am sure I wasn’t much of a friend to her, being rude at times, not letting her copy my work, or not wanting to talk to her, yet alone stand beside her.. But never have I felt so embarrassed for her. She’s began drinking, doing drugs, and although with not many, she’s had sex. She’s the reason why I’m forcing myself to stay away from that. Cos I watch her make mistake after mistake. & I am not like her, nor do I want to look or act like her. She’s offered me alcohol before. & being smart, I refused. It was Halloween. I was tired of my parents arguing. We were in her room and she pulled out a small bottle of beer from under her bed, drinking some along with eating her candy. It was almost empty. Then, her brother came in asking for his share of candy or something. He pulled out a brand new bottle of the same beer, and they exchanged it. Beer for candy. It was sickening, to be in the same room. She began saying how amazing it tastes, the beer, and how it “takes all your worries away.” She then offered me some, saying that I needed it to get my mind off everything. I just looked at her and said no. My first time being offered beer, other than by my family as a joke, and it had to be from her. A few months ago, she discovered she was pregnant. Eventually, she had a miscarriage. I will not go into that story.. But I will say that when she was “pregnant” she was really snappy towards me. It was worse than PMS. I’m glad that I have other friends that I have begun to trust and open up to. It’s rare for me to open up to people, especially in high school, when you cannot trust everyone you know. I’ve been betrayed by a couple people; gossip sucks. Moving onto another topic..

I think the only person who cared enough to keep in touch with me during this school year, no matter the distance, would be Madeleine. I just adore that girl. Every couple weeks or so, we’d talk, even for just an hour or so. When she sensed that I needed someone, she came over after track and we just talked. She’s one of the best friends I could ask for. We don’t even attend the same school to this day. I’m so grateful to have her in my life, I hope she knows that..

Oh. I fell in love. I had my first true heartbreak. Sure, it was a guy who I shouldn’t have wasted my time with. But he was the first guy to actually stick with me for so long. Someone who was physically there for me. He took me out on dates, & we had memories I never thought we would have. Although there were many wrongs with the relationship, I just can’t really get over him. I mean, right now, at this moment, I’m just finished. Our relationship is just so bad right now, there’s nothing we can do to fix it; restart. But I do love him somehow, somewhere very deep inside me. I actually don’t want to get into this topic too much. There’s still a confusing hole that I just don’t understand. Haha.

Believe it or not, I have changed in certain ways. I may sound like I’m complaining, lusting, whatever.. But I know that I’ a bit more different than I was last summer. I’ve gone through pain, heartache, stress, happiness, love.. All combined into one. It’s unexplainable how. I’m glad I’m more experienced. Although I miss the way I used to think about things, about life, and people, I’m growing up. I’ll be 17 in a month. Two years away from graduating high school, a year from becoming an adult. I’m scared out of my wits. I’m peeing my pants. I’m ripping out my hair.

Everyone says they’re ready for a fresh start; change. Change, change, change. That word is beginning to look like it’s spelled incorrectly. Hahah (: You can’t really change who you are over the summer, but what you do to shape who you will be in the long run. Although junior year won’t give me a fresh start for the second time, I will know what to expect more than I did for last year. It’s very difficult to explain how I’m prepared, but I know consciously that I won’t give into temptation too quickly. I’m still a teenager, willing to make mistakes and learn from them. I don’t have much longer to enjoy these years. So that’s what I’m going to do this year. Keep my head held high; chin up. Stay focused, but still find time to have fun.

I have really appreciated the time I spent with people this summer. It’s been so eventful, it’s actually crazy. The busiest summer I have probably ever had so far. Summer two thousand ten.. You started off with a bang, now it’s time to end with a boom. <3

I feel better now.

&warped tour*

Oh man.. It was one of the highlights of my summer (:

I’ll have to write about all of it when I have time.. Or when I’m not so lazy.

Paulina is extremely exhausted, trying to recover 24 hours after it ended! Haha. Maybe I should catch this up on my life.

I need to remind myself to print off as many posts as I can, or something to store all of them, at least. I keep dreading the day tumblr will just shut down completely..

&whoo*

These are the bands that I have seen live.

• Metro Station
• The White Tie Affair
• Owl City
• A Day To Remember
• Enter Shikari
• Go Radio
• Silverstein
• August Burns Red
• Angels & Airwaves
• Say Anything

When a girl is hurting, she’s going to hurt for quite a while. She’ll rethink the situation over and over again thinking what she could have possibly done to avoid it from happening. She wishes there was a possibility that she could just erase what just happened because right now, she’s left scared with the thoughts.

I see it too often, people push the person who gave them everything away. Why? Because it seemed too good to be true, they feared something like that surely couldn’t last forever. So they ended everything even though they didn’t want to.

&if you love someone, set them free*

“If they come back, it was meant to be.”

Well. What if you still love someone you know you should stop loving, & they supposedly will always love you back?

But they were the one to end it all in the first place.. Making you say there wasn’t ever going to be a second-second chance.. Therefore, pushing them away, off that cliff, so they wouldn’t come back? Or couldn’t come back to youu?

This situation still confuses me. I just hurt all over cos of it. Yay.